Kokology

Well, this was unexpected.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:28:31 GMT

I got burnt. Really bad. Really really bad. Now I'm going to spiral into a infinite pit of uber doom. Its been a really really really long time since I've got burnt this bad. The throbbing stomach feeling feels worse and my chest feels like its being crushed in a vice. I feel nauseous. I feel like I need to cut myself. IT FUCKING HURTS NOW WEI. This is quite beyond physical pain. Its... so paralysing it hurts. Oh wait. Haha. Just kidding :D:D

Run away!

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 14:19:40 GMT

I am suddenly perplexed.

Confused even. Hmm, but I really cannot complain. I am having a good time. I am having fun, and like I always say, Have fun!

his blog is not one that I shall use to write about all the meandering things I do everyday like brushing my teeth or stuff like that. SO this will sort of be a vent for feelings and emotions and many other vague things tha are more felt than experienced.

It all sounds really deep, but I assure you its so much more easier than writing about detailed itineris of a whole day's worth of fun/crap/stereotypical young adult day.

So all I can say now is that I am confused, perplexed by this string of incidents and that I am happy.

They say settling in and getting comfortable with life is a bad thing. I am starting to think that maybe its not a bad thing after all. I shall take things as they come.

Life is really quite the beautiful lie.

I have recently had a bit of fun and I hope this goes on :) I think its meaningful to have a group of friends to hang around and have fun with.

Even if Some of them are trying to matchmake me. ( 0_0") I'm not really into relationships at the moment. =_=.

Maybe a casual fling? XD

Haha. I'd rather not then.

A LITTLE TOO UNFAIR.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:41:12 GMT

Hmm.

Identityless one, whoever you are, I'll take you up on that offer. Whoever you are. And thank you.

If you're Cher Hao, well, you really should use your real name. XD

I leave my blog for 2 years, and I come back and see a comment. Wow.

Well, to answer your question, I believe truly that I am an asshole. A person whose just met me will not have a hundred thoughts running through his or her head rationalizing whether or not I am one; because in social environment I am one.

People have always said I can write, even though all I ever write turns out to be... well really angsty stuff. The kind of angst teenagers are so well known for. Like a fierce and dirty guitar riff off one of Alice in Chain's more obscure songs.

I haven't had anyone to talk to, haven't had anybody to confess the stuff thats in my self. I don't have anyone to rant to. I don't have a punching bag.

Maybe thats what this blog is for. Maybe this year I won't be so clueless anymore. Maybe I'll be miraculously cured of whatever disease or condition I may be suffering now.

I had a Valentine this year. Well, two actually to be certain. One on the day itself, and the other, on a later date ( I don't know when.. )

But I think I enjoyed myself talking. I spent 4 hours talking to her, and never once did any intentions of getting into bed with her cross my mind. Its a nice long conversation about pretty much nothing at all. At the end of the day, I went home thinking " hmm. What an awesome friend she'd be."

I crave for conversations like these. I crave for someone I can got out comfortably with without any built up sexual frustration and I miss having a yumcha buddy. Keeping emotions pent inside is not my forte. I need someone to vent to.

The second Valentine... well, I'll talk about her when I've dated her.

I'm feeling... really really drained. I'm tackling thoughts of incompetence, and I am feeling... like an old car about to have its production cycle ended. I feel obsolete.

ANd to think that I am ranting about these thoughts... on a blog... well. Thats just pathetic.

I stopped blogging because I was afraid that it'll make me seem too weak. Too fragile. Like all of those 19 year old kids who're ranting about their final projects and how they'd kill themselves if they failed. ( Sound familiar? heh.) I stopped blogging because I thought blogging was for losers.

Guess who's the loser now.

I fear this will turn into an emo blog :D

People who've known me long enough to know will probably sigh at the return of emo kok.

Because the Kok they know now is hardly emo. He smiles a lot, he's cocky, a little arrogant, and a total joker. He seems like the type who'd land a girlfriend with ease, but chooses not to. Get him alone, and you'll find that he has a shell thats actually pretty hard. In truth, in the past, he'd spill his guts out full of emo.

But now he says emo is weak. It shall be discarded.

Hence the people around Kok now thinks he's past the emo stage. And I want to believe I am.

But truly can you really believe someone whose got no emotional side?

I'm typing this to release the locked up emo side of me. I don't want it to show when I am with anyone and I don't want to be weak. I simply won't allow myself to.

I'm finding it hard to stomach how easilly I used to cry when I was slightly younger. Now I'm suffocating becasue I REALLY WANT TO CRY.

I want to cry because my job is getting me nowehere and I'm getting obsolete and my friends are nowhere near me and I've liv YEAR OLD ed a life so treacherous I can't even share it with friends anymore. I want to cry because I'm still comparing potential girlfriends to 'THE' ex, and the only two girls that I want are NEVER ever going to love me in return.

I feel like a grunge singer screaming " LOVE ME!! LOVE ME!!" into a mic.

UGH. I don't even know how to express my distaste for myself at the moment. I can't read what I'ev just typed with a straight face.

I HATE IT. I HATE IT.

I AM SO CONFUSED.

I can't differentiate between my optimistic self and my cynic self. I don't seem to have a clear idea of what want to do!

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGh I Hate myself for saying things like these. A FULLY FLESHED OUT 24 YEAR OLD FAIRLY INTELLIGENT CHINESE BOY WHO THINKS HIMSELF A YOUNG ADULT BUT FINDS HIMSELF CONFLICTED BY THE THOUGHTS OF THATOF AN INSECURE 19 YEAR OLD SHITHEAD.

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH.

A little?

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 06:04:19 GMT

Nobody knows I write here still. This would be the first post I have written in... nearly... 2 bloody years.

2 Years.

Wow.

A lot has changed. I think its safe to say that I am officially not the person that I was before. Nor are these old blog posts ever going to do justice to the person I am today.

Its slightly after February 2009, and to be honest, the year 2008, as well as the year 2007 was... well, on the surface of things they are great. I did lots of things. Lots of things including joining Adventure races, And of course, there's the trip to the top of Mount Kinabalu, and the trip ( a long awaited one I might add) to Cambodia to see the Angkor Wat.

Throughout the hiatus I've done so many different things. Ate Marijuana laced Pizza. Played many a guitar Hero World Tour sessions with friends. Made new friends. Jumped off a sea liner boat into the sea. Paintball. Started playing squash. Found that I love Travel more than anything else, and have actually traveled. White water rafted. Go Karted. Ugh, those are the ones I remember.

I find myself in an affair. Snogging someone's girlfriend. And to think I used to hate people who do shit like this.

I find myself in flings. Nothing serious, commitment free 2, 3 week relationships. Plenty of making out. Nothing emotional.

I find myself falling for the two people I don't think I should fall for. One, an 'engaged' person, and another, well, its one whom I've branded ' my only hope for a normal love life'. She... well, she's a friend's little sister. And we all know the unwritten law that is that one shall not tap another friend's sister.

My longest relationship so far is... a year and a half, and its a NON relationship. Its... hard to explain. Its dysfunctional.

And throughout it all, I've still put on a very nice front. I'm still the nice boy. The nice guy. They guy that everyone thinks is chronically single. ( I AM!) But I am an asshole.

I wonder if growing old makes you an asshole. I know the answer to that.

I used to be the most naive guy and the most hopeless romantic. I reread emails that I've sent to my ex girlfriend and realized that wow, I really was a different person back then. I would use sentences like I love you without second thought and allowed myself to dive headlong into a relationship. I sorta miss the person I used to be.

I think I know better now.

Now. What is it that I know now? What is it that I gained?

Well, for one, any amount of experience is good.

I think if I met myself 3 years ago, I'd hate the guy. He'd be too sensitive, too sissy and too.. well too nice.

Its just as well. I don't think the myself from the past would like me very much now.

But ah, that's in the past.

I think I like myself now. Even if I AM an asshole. You'd never find a more honest asshole. I am still human.

And I am still craving.

I miss being optimistic.

Paintball IS FUN

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 15:53:08 GMT

COVER ME!!!

I shouted as a whole barrage of pellets whizzed by me. Over on the other side, the enemy is converging on my position. My backup doesn't budge.

Suddeny he pops his head out and perforates the enemies. I look back and wave my hands wildly, signalling the advance.

I run forward swiftly, and scout ahead. No enemies. I walk out and see the line of enemies shooting the other way: We have their flank.

I perforate one enemy. My teamate runs for the flag.

ANother enemy is running towards me. I cover my teamate by bringing him down too. My teamate snatches the flag. Victory.

PAINTBALL IS FUN!

Hahahha

Here it is

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:19:05 GMT

This is my new number. Its 012 6990349.

I've decided that Celcom sucks monkey balls.

I'm stuck

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 04:04:10 GMT

Kane and Lynch's trailer song is stuck in my head. Its really cool.

SOmehow I feel like wielding akimbo pistols whilst my partner cocks his shotgun. I want to feel hot spent bullet casings cascading down my thighs, as I fire off shot after shot next to my pyschotic partner.

Ahhh.. good times :)

I crave for a lot of things, but right now the thing I crave most is running my fingers thru your hair and serenading you to sleep.

But thats not going to happen.

And thats why I want to go shoot something.

Boppity bummer

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 02:55:40 GMT

The other day I went to eat fried freshwater shark at a place called Kapar, which is approximately uhmmm an hours drive from PJ.

It was goooOooood.. XD VERY GOOD.

The food is nice, and it was cheap.. well relatively.

ANd I'm suprisingly happy to see an overhyped PS3 game flop. Such is that of lair. Which is always awesome. Not that wii hasn't had its flops yet, but at least Nintendo don't overhype on diisapoinments.

(Lair was an overhyped piece of crap)

ANd uh huh, XBOX 360 owners are cocky arrogant bastards.

But I want one too :)

Humm. Nothing to rant about except....

I'm still waiting for an email. :)

Back to normal life.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 02:34:17 GMT

    I am suddenly attracted to a free Pink wristband that was given free by some breast cancer organisation. I am now going to wear it daily till it BREAKS.

    I am sunburnt, but I guss tanned is good :D people like the new tanned Kok, and I want to keep it that way. They also like the cleanly shaven Kok but, hmmm, I don't like to shave. It sort of contradicts with the angsty grungy look I want to keep for myself but... without success.

    New people are coming into the company at the expense of the old. I hope when the project starts we wil be ready for it :S. I'm just plain scared.

    The Bukit Gasing Merdeka green challenge has gone and past, and DAMN we did a lot of work for it. But it was fun, and I got to camp at a Public field XD haha. Well, THAT wasn't particularly fun and all, but.. it was good experience.

    I'm really confused now over what I should do and where I am haeding to. It seems to me a downward spiral from here on out. Everyone seems to be attached to something that they're good at and me? I'm just no good. I try to be useful cause the worse feeling is the feeling of being useless, but I'm not really progressing.

    And girls.. hmm its always the girl. I must be stupid to think I'd wait a bunch of years to even THINK about going out with her. But I'm stupid as all guys are, and sigh.. I can't help but wait :S

    DooOOoOOooOOoOoooOoooOooOooOoOoOOooMmmMMmM!!!!

    And I'm so afraid of you -_-.

    Good Morning Everyone, have a nice day at WORK.

Hey you, hey you.

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 07:13:54 GMT

    I had a most interesting conversation recently, one about very interesting hidden thoughts and feelings suppressed for a very long time.

    It was good to finally get it all out I guess. I hope no one got offended :S

    we shall see where this goes form here on out :D Its good to know that we're still laughing so hard about it, as if that 'interesting' conversation was funny :D

    Well it was, but not in a laugh out loud funny way...

    Well whatever :S