Nobody knows I write here still. This would be the first post I have written in... nearly... 2 bloody years.

2 Years.

Wow.

A lot has changed. I think its safe to say that I am officially not the person that I was before. Nor are these old blog posts ever going to do justice to the person I am today.

Its slightly after February 2009, and to be honest, the year 2008, as well as the year 2007 was... well, on the surface of things they are great. I did lots of things. Lots of things including joining Adventure races, And of course, there's the trip to the top of Mount Kinabalu, and the trip ( a long awaited one I might add) to Cambodia to see the Angkor Wat.

Throughout the hiatus I've done so many different things. Ate Marijuana laced Pizza. Played many a guitar Hero World Tour sessions with friends. Made new friends. Jumped off a sea liner boat into the sea. Paintball. Started playing squash. Found that I love Travel more than anything else, and have actually traveled. White water rafted. Go Karted. Ugh, those are the ones I remember.

I find myself in an affair. Snogging someone's girlfriend. And to think I used to hate people who do shit like this.

I find myself in flings. Nothing serious, commitment free 2, 3 week relationships. Plenty of making out. Nothing emotional.

I find myself falling for the two people I don't think I should fall for. One, an 'engaged' person, and another, well, its one whom I've branded ' my only hope for a normal love life'. She... well, she's a friend's little sister. And we all know the unwritten law that is that one shall not tap another friend's sister.

My longest relationship so far is... a year and a half, and its a NON relationship. Its... hard to explain. Its dysfunctional.

And throughout it all, I've still put on a very nice front. I'm still the nice boy. The nice guy. They guy that everyone thinks is chronically single. ( I AM!) But I am an asshole.

I wonder if growing old makes you an asshole. I know the answer to that.

I used to be the most naive guy and the most hopeless romantic. I reread emails that I've sent to my ex girlfriend and realized that wow, I really was a different person back then. I would use sentences like I love you without second thought and allowed myself to dive headlong into a relationship. I sorta miss the person I used to be.

I think I know better now.

Now. What is it that I know now? What is it that I gained?

Well, for one, any amount of experience is good.

I think if I met myself 3 years ago, I'd hate the guy. He'd be too sensitive, too sissy and too.. well too nice.

Its just as well. I don't think the myself from the past would like me very much now.

But ah, that's in the past.

I think I like myself now. Even if I AM an asshole. You'd never find a more honest asshole. I am still human.

And I am still craving.

I miss being optimistic.