Identityless one, whoever you are, I'll take you up on that offer. Whoever you are. And thank you.
If you're Cher Hao, well, you really should use your real name. XD
I leave my blog for 2 years, and I come back and see a comment. Wow.
Well, to answer your question, I believe truly that I am an asshole. A person whose just met me will not have a hundred thoughts running through his or her head rationalizing whether or not I am one; because in social environment I am one.
People have always said I can write, even though all I ever write turns out to be... well really angsty stuff. The kind of angst teenagers are so well known for. Like a fierce and dirty guitar riff off one of Alice in Chain's more obscure songs.
I haven't had anyone to talk to, haven't had anybody to confess the stuff thats in my self. I don't have anyone to rant to. I don't have a punching bag.
Maybe thats what this blog is for. Maybe this year I won't be so clueless anymore. Maybe I'll be miraculously cured of whatever disease or condition I may be suffering now.
I had a Valentine this year. Well, two actually to be certain. One on the day itself, and the other, on a later date ( I don't know when.. )
But I think I enjoyed myself talking. I spent 4 hours talking to her, and never once did any intentions of getting into bed with her cross my mind. Its a nice long conversation about pretty much nothing at all. At the end of the day, I went home thinking " hmm. What an awesome friend she'd be."
I crave for conversations like these. I crave for someone I can got out comfortably with without any built up sexual frustration and I miss having a yumcha buddy. Keeping emotions pent inside is not my forte. I need someone to vent to.
The second Valentine... well, I'll talk about her when I've dated her.
I'm feeling... really really drained. I'm tackling thoughts of incompetence, and I am feeling... like an old car about to have its production cycle ended. I feel obsolete.
ANd to think that I am ranting about these thoughts... on a blog... well. Thats just pathetic.
I stopped blogging because I was afraid that it'll make me seem too weak. Too fragile. Like all of those 19 year old kids who're ranting about their final projects and how they'd kill themselves if they failed. ( Sound familiar? heh.) I stopped blogging because I thought blogging was for losers.
Guess who's the loser now.
I fear this will turn into an emo blog :D
People who've known me long enough to know will probably sigh at the return of emo kok.
Because the Kok they know now is hardly emo. He smiles a lot, he's cocky, a little arrogant, and a total joker. He seems like the type who'd land a girlfriend with ease, but chooses not to. Get him alone, and you'll find that he has a shell thats actually pretty hard. In truth, in the past, he'd spill his guts out full of emo.
But now he says emo is weak. It shall be discarded.
Hence the people around Kok now thinks he's past the emo stage. And I want to believe I am.
But truly can you really believe someone whose got no emotional side?
I'm typing this to release the locked up emo side of me. I don't want it to show when I am with anyone and I don't want to be weak. I simply won't allow myself to.
I'm finding it hard to stomach how easilly I used to cry when I was slightly younger. Now I'm suffocating becasue I REALLY WANT TO CRY.
I want to cry because my job is getting me nowehere and I'm getting obsolete and my friends are nowhere near me and I've liv YEAR OLD ed a life so treacherous I can't even share it with friends anymore. I want to cry because I'm still comparing potential girlfriends to 'THE' ex, and the only two girls that I want are NEVER ever going to love me in return.
I feel like a grunge singer screaming " LOVE ME!! LOVE ME!!" into a mic.
UGH. I don't even know how to express my distaste for myself at the moment. I can't read what I'ev just typed with a straight face.
I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
I AM SO CONFUSED.
I can't differentiate between my optimistic self and my cynic self. I don't seem to have a clear idea of what want to do!
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGh I Hate myself for saying things like these. A FULLY FLESHED OUT 24 YEAR OLD FAIRLY INTELLIGENT CHINESE BOY WHO THINKS HIMSELF A YOUNG ADULT BUT FINDS HIMSELF CONFLICTED BY THE THOUGHTS OF THATOF AN INSECURE 19 YEAR OLD SHITHEAD.